We shall see what my weigh-in claims tomorrow, but I have stayed relatively the same weight for two weeks now. This is frustrating. It's the first real "plateau" I've hit since I started losing weight last fall, and that's pretty amazing for how long I've been working at this weight loss goal. I find that slightly adding to my workout each week is helping me to maintain my current weight within a few ounces (and then back down again) but I am left feeling incredibly hungry at the end of each night. Before bed, a craving comes knocking that says, "Hey, if you had one orange that wouldn't kill you, or maybe two of those tasty cherry prunes Jaci turned you on to..." Sometimes I appease that craving. Sometimes I tell it to go back to its hiding space and leave me alone, then I fill my belly with a mug of hot tea, and "make do" with a hunger pang or two until I nod off.
The bigger cravings happen throughout the day, and those cravings become daydreams about food. You know how people have fantasties? Well, clearly, mine are all meals. I drive down the street, say, Fish Hatchery Road, and I am struck by how many places I want to partake. Start with stuffed pizza from Pizza Extreme with tomatos and onions and mushrooms, with a giant salad with house dressing, and cheesy garlic bread that gets dipped in the extra dressing. Then head to Casa del Sol (AKA Casa de Lara) for a bowl of spicy carrots, chips and salsa, and cheesy cilantro enchiladas with rice and beans. Then stop by Coldstone Creamery for chocolate ice cream with peanut butter cups and chocolate syrup. Depending on the day, I might also envision the cinnamon raisin crunch bagels at Panera, the cheese quesadillas at Qdoba, and spicy tortilla soup at Laredo's. By the time I round the corner to Therese's, and tell myself it will all be okay, I see the Benvenuto's, which makes my mouth water with the taste of fresh bread dipped in spicy olive oil. As I attempt to block each of these tastes from my mind a new taste emerges from the next restaurant on the block. Oddly enough, more than all of these foods put together, I truly just want a cookie. A chocolate chunk cookie from Einstein Brothers Bagels, warmed up and placed in that discreet paper sack. Writing about it and describing it to you doesn't make it any easier.
I believe I am having these intense cravings for the past few weeks for several reasons. 1. Giving in to temptation on the day of the Brahms performance opened a door that has been difficult to shut. I now have the flavor of pizza, gyro sauce, and chocolate cookies in my immediate memory when I made it a necessity to withhold from those foods for several months. 2. I'm not losing weight rapidly as I typically have, and so I am not feeling the rewards of my hard work. 3. My diet has become "old". The novelty has worn off. I am finding it difficult to get creative with food, to find flavor in the foods I used enjoy, and to limit things that seem to be good for me. (Like, for instance, 20 calorie prunes.)
I have yet to push beyond 38.6 pounds of total loss. My goal from seven months ago is only 3 pounds away. Three pounds. Wow. So close and yet so far. When I share that number with people I tend to get one of two answers. Either they are a guy and they think, wow, she looks great now, what's three pounds? Or, they are a girlfriend, and they say, "That's not so hard! You can do it!" Both of them are right and wrong in so many ways. I am finding out how difficult those three pounds are to lose but I am determined to lose them. I am seeing ways in which I look great when I know those same areas of my body looked completely different only months ago. I am thankful for the compliments, I am flattered by the newfound reactions to my appearance, and I am energized by this healthy identity. However, I am also as determined as I ever was to reach my goal, whether or not I realistically need to lose three pounds.
After some intense thinking tonight, after wondering what I can eat, what will make me feel better, what won't tip the scale tomorrow if I actually cave and eat something... I drew a few conclusions.
1. If I continue to withhold from things I enjoy, say, chocolate cookies and carbonated beverages, I will occasionally feast on those things and feel awful. Going months without something you enjoy causes you to rationalize indulging beyond reason when you finally break down.
2. A person who works out six days a week for at least 45 minutes at a stretch, who is now adding running a mile occasionally and lifting weights three days a week should be able to metabolize a small indulgence once in a while.
3. Each of these cravings should be enjoyed in moderation. I may dream up scenes of stuffed crust pizza but I don't have to eat an entire pie. I may let the thought of that cookie from Einstein's fill my head, but I really want a fraction of it to trip my trigger. A diet, a healthy life in general, is truly about moderation. Am I really doing this diet to lose weight or am I attempting to be a healthier person? And aren't educated, balanced decisions really the goal?
4. If I have a cookie, just one part of a big cookie, or the flavor of a small cookie, I'll stop thinking about cookies, right? At least for a few days. Don't ya think?
So, tonight was an experiment. I was craving something sweet after dinner. Bryan and I had soup and salad at Panera Bread, which left me wanting more. Therese gave me a stick of gum, which helped for about thirty minutes and I only spat it out to imagine what a cookie must taste like. So, I had half of one of my LA Lite Bars, telling myself that the chocolate of the bar was similar to the chocolate chips in my Dream Cookie. Then, I headed to Woodman's for a late-night shopping trip. I remembered that Bryan needed raisins, which are ironically shelved opposite the baked goods. I stared at all things Betty Crocker, Duncan Hines, and triple fudge until I couldn't take it anymore. It was becoming more and more clear how important it was to not go shopping mid-craving! Out of curiosity I went to the cookie dough and scoped out something to make. There just had to be mini-cookies, or lo-fat cookies (ha!), something I could make to indulge these hankerings. Sure enough, I found Tollhouse makes mini cookies, three equaling 160 calories. I came home, cleared the dishes, put away the groceries, caught up on email, and made those mini cookies. I ate two. By my count, that's about 100 calories or so, and with the 100 calories from my bar before I went shopping that makes me 200 calories "over budget" (as I like to call it). AND I FEEL GREAT! Not because my stomach is full but because I made an educated decision about temptation.
I have a plan:
1. If I lose weight after I weigh-in on Saturdays, Mondays, and Thursdays, I will reward myself. Right now my biggest craving is chocolate chip cookies, well then, I get one mini cookie on those days! And this is only if I have lost weight. If I gain weight it's back to the drawing board, or at least, back to the gym. I've been honest with myself so far, I think I can be honest about this, too. Right now I am eating 30 calorie bread, four slices a day. That's really only 120 calories in starch, so I think I can support eating a 50 calorie cookie without breaking the bank.
2. I have three Diet Buddies. Jaci, you are my all things LA Weight Loss, Take-Off, and weigh-ins buddy. You know exactly what I'm going through. Therese, you are my three days a week check in, 100 push ups, workout video buddy. You make so much sense sometimes, and I need that. Liz, you are my going for walks and working out at the Princeton Club buddy. You tell me when you want to go and we'll go!
3. I've laid out what I'm eating each day of the week. Monday, Wednesday, Friday have the same general menu. Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday have the same general menu. It's written on two sheets of paper and taped to the inside of my cubbard. When I take my vitamins in the morning I can remind myself of the plan for the day. There's no questioning when or what I'll eat EVER, and thus, I don't have to wonder what to do or where to go for food. This will also help with budgeting out groceries each week. I don't think I'm creating a food "rut" with this, there is variation within each food group at each meal. And having it written down will help me feel accountable.
By Chilton Sunday, May 17th, I will be at least three pounds lighter. And I'm hoping I'll feel equally as content as I feel right now.
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